Fundamental principles of Lebanese decadence

General Facts:

1) Lebanese society is one of mutual imitation.

1.1) In Lebanon, everybody is observing you and you are observing everybody
else.

1.2) In Lebanon, people don’t go out to have a good time – they go out to
show the community that they’re having a good time.

1.3) In Lebanon, people don’t buy goods because they like them, but because
they think other people like them.

1.4) In Lebanon, fashion and collective hysteria coincide.

1.5) In Lebanon, incapacity to keep up with your neighbors’ level of
consumption relegates a human being to nothingness or otherness (see Hegel
on otherness).

1.6) A Lebanese will go into debt to buy something he doesn’t need in order
to impress people he doesn’t like.

Civil Wars:

2) Some historical Lebanese civil wars: The
I-have-a-more-expensive-cellular-than-you wars, The
I-have-more-Sri-Lanki-maids-than-you wars, The I-have-a-new-Mercedes wars,
The My-Leather-Jacket-is-better-than-yours wars.

Lebanese Contributions to Ethics:

3) A Lebanese has the right to break the law if he sees others breaking the
law.

3.1) A Lebanese has the right to throw garbage out of a car window if he
sees others throwing garbage from a car’s window.

3.2) A Lebanese has the right to smoke in a non-smoking area if he sees
others smoking in a non-smoking area.

3.3) A Lebanese knows that it is acceptable to bribe officials when he sees
others bribing officials.

3.4) A Lebanese has the right to run a red light if he sees others running a
red light.

The Lebanese Constitution:

4) A politician will always pass power to his eldest son.

4.1) A politician will always give his family and his followers government
jobs.

4.2) Because of an outside conspiracy unrelated to 4.1, Lebanon has the
highest rate of useless public servants in this part of the universe.

4.3) A politician has a duty to enter into conflicts of interest.

4.4) A Lebanese will always vote for a candidate from his village even if he
knows that he is a corrupt idiot.

4.5) A Lebanese politician will always promise to fight corruption.

Lebanese Modern Culture:

5) Lebanese modern culture is about conformity to Western ideals and the
careful removal of every bit of national originality.

5.1) A Lebanese feels superior to other Lebanese if the goods he consumes do
not come from Lebanon.

5.2) A Lebanese has an inherent contempt for everything his country
produces.

Poverty and the Class System:

6) In Lebanese society, contempt for the poor is metaphysical.

6.1) The Lebanese class system is fluid and based on the monetary worth of
the individual, as a result:

6.2) The Lebanese differentiate themselves very rigidly from those they
consider as being part of the lower class.

6.3) In courtship, a Lebanese man will use a woman’s poverty as a bargaining
chip.

6.4) A Lebanese woman feels insulted if a poorer man asks her out.

6.5) Lebanese society has a caste system in terms of nationalities: Sri
Lankans are somewhere on the bottom level, but slightly above garbage,
whereas the French are slightly below God.

6.6) A Lebanese will treat a world-renowned Nobel winning Pakistani
astrophysicist as garbage and will kiss the foot of a French imbecile (if he
happens to have a nice Parisian accent).

Conspiracy:

7) Every single thing wrong in Lebanon is caused by an outside conspiracy.

7.1) A Lebanese is not responsible for the massacres during the civil war
even when he was the one doing the shooting.

7.2) Members of Lebanese society will condemn confessionalism as practiced
by other confessions, while cheerfully practicing it with other confessions.

7.3) It is always their fault.

Lebanese Superiority:

8) The Lebanese are superior.

8.1) Did you know that Shakespeare was actually Lebanese? (Sheikh Zbeir)

8.2) Did you know that the Lebanese invented the alphabet (and not those
slightly-above-garbage morons from the Indian sub-continent)?

8.3) The Lebanese have an inborn knowledge of every single subject in the
universe, including medicine and philosophy.

8.4) Every single Lebanese is a board-certified doctor.

8.5) Any Lebanese will prescribe you

antibiotics, anti-depressants and sleeping pills if you ask them nicely.

8.6) Because of an outside conspiracy unrelated to 8.5, Lebanon has one of
the highest rates of medicinal drug addiction in the world.

8.7) A Lebanese becomes a philosopher after he reads “The Prophet” by K.
Gibran.

8.8) “The Prophet” is the second greatest book in history just after the
Bible. Did you know that Gibran was Lebanese?

Marriage:

9) A Lebanese man will never marry a woman if she is not a virgin.

9.1) A Lebanese woman will never have sex with a man if she thinks that he
is marriage material.

9.2) Unrelated to 9.1, all Lebanese men’s wives were virgins before
marriage.

9.3) The marriage of a woman is the affair of the whole extended family and
of the neighbors.

9.4) Pressure on a woman to get married is applied by the whole extended
family and the neighbors.

9.5) An unmarried woman with a Ph.D. is a failure.

 

 

 

By Ralph Hajj 
Hummus heads

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